That’s great, anon! This means you’re ready to move on and recover. Anyone who breaks up with you because you self harm doesn’t deserve you in the first place. You’ll find someone who will love and accept you for the way you are. But first, you have to love and accept yourself!
Go get help, tell someone about what you’re struggling with. Try out counseling and get clean. If I or anyone else can do it, you can too.
Good luck and stay strong. You can do it!
Painless ways to kill yourself.
i. There is no painless way to kill yourself, someone, somewhere, will feel the pain.
ii. The internet says, “sleeping pills, you will fall asleep and never wake up! You won’t feel a thing!” When that is a lie, your stomach will turn to fire and your throat will fill with the taste of your own stomach acid. You will drown in your own spit. That isn’t even the worst party, it’s when your mother comes home from work. She will walk through the door, and call out your name. She will call and call and there will be no response, maybe you’re in the shower? Maybe you’re asleep? She will walk up the stairs, knock on your door to receive no answer. When she walks in she will see the lifeless body of her baby girl, lying on the floor. Her heart will stop but she will run to you with shaky knees, touching your face that is now still and cold. Her body will be on fire, and her throat will begin to tighten, the sharp pains in her chest will feel like knives in the heart. That image will kill her more than her own death, it will haunt her living years each night. She will no longer be alive, but just as dead as you are now.
iii. Years ago, your father showed you the gun safe he kept in the house in case of emergencies, you knew the pass code, you knew how to shoot and loud, at least you had an idea. They say a bullet to the brain will do the job.. So one night, when your father is fast asleep, you will be down the hallway staring down the mouth of a gun.
One, two, three..
Your father’s heart will jump and his body will follow, the first thing he thinks of is you. He will scream your name and run down the hallway and bang on your door. It’s locked. His knees begin to feel weak as he bruises his body trying to knock down the door, the first sight he see’s in blood splattered on the wall. At that moment his breath began to stop, and his eyes wandered to yours. Still open, but no more life inside your shell. He will drop to his hands and knees and scream why, why, why. There will never be a day he won’t hate himself, for keeping a gun in the house, for not making you happy, for not knowing. He will live a life without a son, live a life with an empty space. Live a life of hurt, and hatred for himself.
iv. You may think that when you’re dead and gone you will not be hurting anyone. You may think when you slide a blade across your wrist, you’re only hurting yourself. Yet I have learned that is not true, it’s not. The person who will find your body, the one who see’s the cuts, their chest will feel tight and they will feel like it was their fault for letting it get this far. The only mark you will be leaving on them is pain, hurt, and the question why? So please note this, there is pain in every suicide attempt, every death, every cut. You are not only hurting your life, but others too. Because you are cared for."
I was actually in your situation last week, but on the opposite end.
While my mom and I were driving home from a weekend out of town, we received a text from my mom’s friend’s daughter saying that my younger half sister (we’ll call her “N”) has been self harming and that she has blades. Of course, my mom was freaking out (she never found out that I was self harming, so this was like the first time for her) and she made me call N on speaker phone and she’s crying. I ask her what’s wrong and she tells me she’s scared and that she’s afraid of what a disappointment we think she is. Which is probably what you were/are feeling like. And I am going to tell you the exact same thing I told her: you are not a disappointment. Your family cares for you and there are people who care for you and love you and if anything, they’re disappointed that they didn’t recognize how much you were hurting and couldn’t help you sooner. She’s worried because she loves you.
I don’t think it makes you a bad daughter, but I think you should tell her should you start self harming again. Your parents can get you professional help. I hope this helps a bit anon.
There’s three of us running this blog, we try to keep it “alive.” I’m currently preparing to start a job and am actively looking for a job, so I’ve been pretty busy lately, but if you send us messages, we will eventually get to them. :)
I think seeing a professional is really the best thing you can do for yourself. I’m really sorry about your friend. Have you talked to her about why you’ve been S.H.?
I’ve been in your position before to where I felt like I couldn’t stop. The best advice I can give you is to find new ways to distract yourself. If you have a really good friend who you can talk to or be with when you feel like harming yourself, I would recommend talking to them or being with them. Sit on the floor and don’t get up until that feeling passes. Or a really good tip that I saw was to freeze your blade or whatever it is that you use to S.H. with in water. If you really feel like you need to hurt yourself, you take the frozen blade out of the freezer and wait for it to thaw. Usually the feeling will have passed by the time it all melts.
I’m glad you’re going to get help anon and I wish you the best of luck.
This is sort of embarrassing, but it would mean a lot if you guys could help out if you can. It turns out I got a lot less financial aid than I thought I would. I’ve been trying to get a job, but due to the recent minimum wage increase in California, it’s been a lot harder to find a job and I’ve yet to even hear back from any of the +25 places that I’ve applied to over the past month since I’ve graduated from high school. Anything you can give really helps, thank you.